Guilty
by Virgil's grl
Summary: John takes a moment to reflect on why he gave his daughter up for adoptin, while his son's set about writing a letter to her.


**Title:** Guilty

**Summary:** AU John Winchester reflects on why he gave his daughter up for adoption. And his sons decide to write to her.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own. Not mine! Holly is mine.

**A/n: **A change from Little Brother – John put up Holly for adoption after Mary's death. He couldn't deal with her.

**2****nd**** A/n: NO FLAMES!** Not accepted. R&R VGxx

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_Guilt._ Why did John Winchester feel so guilty? He hadn't done anything to feel guilty for! At least not in the last hour! He was standing in the doorway of the bedroom for his two children. 3-year-old Sammy and 7-year-old Dean. John wasn't watching either of his boys; his eyes were on the unmade third bed. That is where his 12-year-old should have been sleeping. _I'm so sorry Mary, _he thought furiously, _Holly was you're baby – I just couldn't keep up with three kids._

"Daddy?" John was jerked back to reality by his 3-year-old's voice. Sammy was sitting up, rubbing his eyes. John noted the sun had risen and glancing at the digital clock beside Dean's bed it was 5:45. Dean stirred at his brother's voice. He opened his eyes and was suddenly wide-awake and sitting bolt upright at the sight of his father. John smiled softly. Dean was his little soldier – always ready for anything.

"Dad? What is it?" Dean asked. He was ready to get up. John held up a hand to silence Dean.

"Nothing De. It's nothing." He said. Dean stilled. It was Sam who spoke next, Sam had noted the silence from the middle bed and there were no usual Holly sounds.

"Daddy?" John looked across at his youngest, "where's Holly?" He asked. Too smart for his own good, Sam worried John sometimes. Dean glanced at the unmade bed, and made a mental note to move Holly's pillows so one was on his bed and one was on Sam's. With her scent they might sleep better.

"Sammy…Holly's gone to a special school. So she can learn heaps more than what Dad teaches us." Dean said, "and she's gonna have loads of fun, she'll miss us, but she'll meet lots of new friends. Don't worry Sammy." Sam's bottom lip trembled. He thought he'd never see her again.

"She doesn't love us anymore does she? She hates us right?" Sam asked, looking at Dean.

"Sammy, she still loves us. And she knows we still love her. She's just gonna learn more than we are." Dean said. He threw back the covers and got up. He pulled on his jeans and a t-shirt. He'd been practising his shooting and he needed more practise. Sam mimicked him, getting out of bed and pulling up his jeans and a t-shirt. Sam looked as though he was ready to learn how to shoot as well.

"Dean, why don't you and Sammy write Holly a letter? We'll post it later today. How's that sound?" John suggested. Sam brightened immediately.

"Yeah! De let's do that! Let's do that!" Sam sang. Dean smiled up at his dad, he'd redeemed himself, as Dean watched Sam scramble around looking for paper and a pencil or pen – he was reminded of when he was 5 and Holly had told him that they had to hold hands while they crossed the road.

**Flashback – Two years ago**

"Dean! Get back here! Dad said we have to hold hands!" Holly's voice came from behind him. Reluctantly the 5-year-old paused and waited for his 10-year-old sister to catch up, they were on their way back from school and Dean grasped her hand tightly. He remembered what his father had said that morning to Holly; _No matter what happens Holly do not let his hand go. You loose him; you won't sit down for a month!_ Holly waited for the pedestrian lights to change and they walked across the road back to the small house they were staying in. Sam was waiting for them. He squealed with delight when he saw his sister. Sam was only 1 and was learning to walk and when Holly saw him running towards her she gladly hugged him.

"Holly, up." He said. Holly was taller than both boys as being older; she gladly grabbed her baby brother and lifted him up, settling him on her hip. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Daddy says you're not supposed to lift him up Holly." Dean pointed out.

"So? Like I'm scared of Dad." Holly said as she kissed Sam's neck lightly as he snuggled into her hair and shirt.

**End Flashback**

It was nearing sunset when John found Sam holding out a piece of paper to his father. His large brown eyes asking for approval. John plucked the paper from Sam's hands and read it.

_Dear Holly,_

_Sammy and I decided to write to you and tell you how much we miss you and love you. Hopefully you'll write back and tell us just how much you miss and love us. Sammy's picked up on the fact you were gone pretty quickly. He's so smart Holly. Noticed you were gone before I even remembered! We will miss you Holly. Specially when Dad goes away on business. We'll miss your stories and hugs. Specially your hugs! We love you Holly and dad does too even though he didn't show it too well._

_All our love,_

_Hugs and kisses_

_Dean, Sammy and Dad. Xx_

John smiled and nodded. Sammy's eyes sparkled as he smiled and nodded at his father.

"That's good. Perfect. I'll post it tomorrow okay?" Sam nodded and ran off to tell Dean. John looked down at the letter again. _Dad does too, even though he didn't show it too well._ Didn't he show his kids he loved them? He always tried his best and took away the nightmares they had. Holly would've scolded him seeing him now. She knew how hard it was for him to understand that he didn't do something right. She always took charge of the boys when he was away and they were always fine when he came back.

"I miss you Holly. Just as much if not more than your brothers." John whispered as he looked out the window of the cabin. He wished he hadn't given her up now. He needed her back. But would he ever get her back? He didn't know.

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**Read and Review please. Means the world. VGxx**


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